This column is not about Christmas. As far as I can tell, it is the only thing in America that is not. Christmas is everywhere, infecting me with catchy holiday jingles and making me want to buy stocking stuffers and burn pine scented candles. Humbug!
To combat the Christmas spirit, this column deals with its exact opposite - dog poop. Yes, our area is so deep in dog bombs that Olde Saint Nick is probably going to step in one.
I received the following letter recently, long after I wrote an open letter to dogs. Please read it in a heavy New Jersey accent for the most humorous effect.
Dear Ms. Carpenter,
I’m mad at you. You said that dogs shouldn’t poop without someone cleaning it up, even if our owners let us. Well, I’m a dog, and I like pooping all over the place.
I like pooping at the elementary school bus stop. I like pooping on the football field at the park. Yes, that was my mess your kid stepped in playing catch! You know that big, stinky pile hidden under some leaves just off the bike trail? Mine! I have pooped on the floor in PetSmart, and on the sidewalk outside of that fancy cupcake place. I like running off my leash so nobody can pick up after me. Ha ha ha.
I’m proud that American dogs make about 11 million tons of poop every year, and that only about half is cleaned up. So what if more than five tons of poop goes into the water supply? I like that poop gets tracked into homes, schools, shops, and restaurants, spreading disease and mayhem. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Signed,
One of Those Little Scottie Dogs That Look Cute But Are Actually Really Evil
Dear Evil Scottie,
It is sad that irresponsible dogs like you give the over 78 million dogs in the U.S. a bad name. Most pet owners try hard to manage their dog’s waste, and anyone with the courage to pick it up has my undying respect.
This holiday season, support the REAL spirit of Christmas by thinking of others. Please don’t ruin public areas with your selfishness. Families and kids deserve better than to run into (or through) your bombs.
I didn’t want to say this, Evil Scottie, but I’m afraid your attitude is going to land you on Santa’s “naughty” list. Instead of getting presents in your stocking, you may find a sock full of what you’ve been leaving around all year.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Now there’s a thought that gets me into the holiday spirit after all.
Jane L. Horwitz
11:22 am on Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Regarding the bravery needed to pick up dog poop. Silliness that will perpetuate some owners not to do, if you'll pardon the expression, their duty. You get a good, preferably biodegradable, plastic bag -- or even one of those plastic sleeves the morning paper comes in -- and you make sure it has no holes in it. Then you put it over your hand like a glove, pick up the poop, and pull the bag inside-out. Your hand has touched nothing! You tie the bag in a tight knot and discard it appropriately. Not really that scary. And much more civic-minded.